Inside look into a man’s dating decision making process

Alright girls, here it is! A once in a lifetime opportunity to understand the complex (yet exceedingly simple) process which men use to decide if a girl is “date worthy.”

You take the physical attractiveness of the girl (x) and then subtract her perceived maintenance cost (y) to find out z.  If z is a positive number, she is girlfriend material.  If z is a negative number she’s material for other things.

In lamens terms, hot girls are allowed to be more high maintenance than their humbler counterparts.  Fucked up right?

Wrong.

Before you women get on your “men are pigs” high-horse – you should know that you do the exact same thing.  Except x is a man’s monetary value and y is a man’s attractiveness.  Meaning the more money a man makes, the less attractive he needs to be.

And before you get on your “that’s not me” high-horse – you should know I’m stereotyping.  Apparently women tend to think that stereotypes aimed at men are more often correct than stereotypes aimed at women.  There’s a bias in there somewhere, but I digress.

So the basic rule of thumb when dealing with women is that low maintenance is better, right?  Well yes and no.  It’s because attractiveness and maintenance are not rated on the same scale.  The unfortunate (sorry but it’s true) fact is that looks will fade.  Wise is the man who puts more stock into maintenance (which decays at a much slower rate than appearance.)  Simply, it’s better business to go for low maintenance.  It’s kind of like knowing the difference between instant gratification and a good investment.  A trip to Vegas might be fun, but paying off the mortgage won’t take half your stuff.

Don’t forget: looks and money come and go., but an axis II is forever.

Acknowledging the depth

Just a fair warning, there is going to be a lot of stereotyping in this post (just like in all of them).

Ladies, this one is for you;

We (men) know that women are much more complicated than men.  We know that woman tend to run much more emotional than men.  We also know that women tend to multitask a lot more than men.  One of those statements is wrong and I would like to illustrate my point with an observation.

For all my cat owners out there, have you ever noticed how your cat bothers you a lot more when you’re on the phone than when you’re sitting on the couch watching tv?  Have you ever wondered why that is?  One theory states that cats do not know that you are talking to another person.  In fact, cats may shockingly not even know that a telephone is a tool used to communicate to people who are not present.  That statement is dripping with sarcasm mind you.  So the cat just hears you communicating to nobody.  It concludes that obviously you are communicating with the kitty; so it pesters you.  The cat is mentally unable to process other alternatives (it does not have a kitty DSM to diagnose you with Schizophrenia.)

So women – when you see a man watching a football game, playing video games, or otherwise viewing or participating in a group activity – he is not doing nothing.  Just because he is not moving  (aside from the occasional butt-scratch) and he is not talking (aside from the occasional swearing) does not mean his mind is not processing.  Allow me to explain further.

In following with evolutionary theory, men were hunters.  Hunting relied heavily on nonverbal communication and coordination and most importantly teamwork.  Whether it’s trying to catch a fast prey or overcome a dangerous prey, it’s always better doing it as a team.  That means that men developed a strong sense of belonging to a team and team loyalty.

Where this translates to modern times is mostly in sports and, to a growing extent, video games.  So when a man is engaged in these activities, it reactivates the team feelings deep down in the subconscious.  Just because you cannot see them, doesn’t mean they are not there.  You are the cat and our mind is the telephone.  The man is doing more than simply getting enjoyment out of the activity.  It’s triggering a part of our brain that is rarely used in our culture.  American culture is very focused on independence and individualism.  So these activities are providing nourishment to a part of our subconscious that was vital to our survival in the past, but now is neglected.  Think of it like getting scratched just in that perfect spot.

And just as it’s hard to have a phone conversation with someone when you’re constantly being meowed at, it’s hard to feel content from the games when you’re constantly being… well… meowed at.

PS: You think she’ll buy that?

An inconvenient truth

I’d like to begin this one with a quote by the Reverend (read: comedian) Chris Rock.

“Men don’t have platonic friends; we just have women we haven’t fucked… yet.  Oh I have some platonic friends, but they were all by accident.  I was trying to fuck a woman, took a wrong turn, and ended up in the friend zone!”

This is absolute truth.  Ladies, I hate to say it, but every heterosexual man you are currently friends with wants you.  They are sexually attracted to you and that’s just the way it is.  For simplicity’s sake, in the rest of the post I am referring specifically to heterosexual men.

Generally speaking, men do not make a separation between friends and something more.  In fact, we perceive a romantic relationship as an extension or upgrade of a friendship.  Men are the ones who have this notion that there is something more than friendship; women have the notion that there is something different from friendship.  Anyway, I’m getting off topic.

So bluntly put, men are generally friends with women they find attractive or sexually appealing.  That’s not the only thing that makes us attracted to you, but it is the starting point.

What this also means is that at any given moment, any woman has several suiters without even realizing it.

So ladies think about your male friends and realize that if you asked, any of them would jump at the opportunity of being with you.  Of course there are exceptions to this rule.  Surprisingly enough, married men or engaged men or in a committed relationship men are not the exception.  The exception are the men who are your friends by circumstance instead of choice.  So men who are introduced to their wife’s best friend are an exception to this rule.  He did not choose to be with her, circumstance did.

Now as for the topic of committed relationship men.  These men are still attracted to you.  However as human beings who are able to weight options and anticipate the future, many will never act on it.  So despite your efforts or desires, these men will not abuse the trust of their partner.  The basic animal attraction is there, but we can override it.  (Side note: ladies do not get mad at your men for being attracted to another woman.  He can not control his pheromones any more than you can.  What he can control are his actions.)

Now some of you ladies probably think I’m an idiot or that you’re the exception to this rule.  But let’s be honest here, what are the odds that all of the girls I’ve mentioned this to are an exception?  So if you really, REALLY think you’re an exception here’s a little test you can run.  Flirt with your male friend and take some assertiveness on the relationship.  If he has absolutely no interest in you, he’ll turn you down right?

Also think about all those times you were in a long-term relationship.  How many of your male friends  jumped at the opportunity to be with you when that relationship fell apart?  What are the odds?

The truth about compromising

This one is for everyone, it is a problem I’ve been noticing more and more often in relationships.  People just don’t seem to know how to compromise.

For starters, lets talk about what a compromise isn’t.

Lets say I want to watch the game on Sunday and she wants to go to the park.  We decide to compromise and go to a watch a movie instead.  I want to watch an action movie; she wants to watch a horror movie; so we decide to compromise and watch a comedy instead. If you think that any compromising was done in this scenario, you are wrong.  In this situation, each person wants to do something, so you compromised in both people not getting what they want.  How petty is that?  If I can’t have what I want and I don’t want you to get what you want, I’ll settle for both of us not getting what we want.  Sounds pretty awful when you put it that way doesn’t it?

The reason this type of compromise isn’t effective is because it does nothing to remove the resentment of not getting what you want. So instead of being glad that you didn’t have to go to the park or watch a horror movie, you’re still unhappy that you didn’t get to watch the game or watch an action movie.  This type of compromise can act as a quick fix, but it will constantly build up and build up and eventually poison the relationship.

But don’t worry! I’d never dash your hope without offering a solution! So for all of you would-be compromisers out there, I have a solution.

In the example above example: I would recommend for one person to pick the activities for him and herself one weekend (without any nay saying from the other) and the other to pick the activities for her and himself the next weekend.  This is a real compromise because both people will eventually get what they want and it will bring the two people closer together.

So as an example, she might choose on her weekend to go to a local sports bar to watch the game.  Then they take a short walk around to catch up and talk.  On the way home, she decides to rent two movies.  She asks him to pick-out a horror movie that he would be interested in watching and she picks out an action movie that she finds interesting.  Next weekend, he decides to go early with her to the zoo.  After a few hours there, they head home where they watch the game.  After the game he decides it’s time to get dressed and go out to their favorite restaurant.

That’s a compromise.

The squeaky wheel gets the emotion

As the saying goes, men are not very complicated.  Men are very A to B oriented and damn anything or anyone who stands in the way.  We don’t play mind games, we don’t do drama, blah blah blah; it’s all bullshit.  Ladies, you should know that not only do we play mind games, but we’re better at it than you.  See there’s one major difference between a man’s mind games and a woman’s mind games.

There is no winning in a woman’s mind games.  In men’s mind games, you don’t even realize you’re playing.

I’d like to talk to you about one of the less subtle mind games that we (read: guys) use.  I call it, the squeaky wheel gets the emotion. Patent pending, bitches.

In this mind game, we are trying to actually control your mind.  Since we cannot actually do that, we instead try to make it so that you are constantly thinking about us.  It’s kind of how there’s probably one person you cannot stand, but yet you keep thinking about them?  Just by me saying, “a person you cannot stand” somebody popped into your head.  That person has successful implanted themselves into your mind.

You see, it doesn’t matter if you really hate me or really love me; as long as you have strong feelings for me, I’ve won.  Which do you think is easier: switching from one emotion to another or creating an emotion where one did not exist?  Trust me on this one: the latter is much harder.  How many girls have dated somebody who was a jerk to them (going from one emotion to another).  How many girls have dated a close friend (going from no emotion to an emotion).  Thinking back onto that person who you cannot stand, is there something they could do to change your mind about them?  Probably.  In fact we see it all the time.  Lovers becoming hated rivals; friends becoming enemies; someone you pity now suddenly you’re jealous of.  However, this goes both ways (giggiddy).  How many times have you heard this wedding story, “when I first met John, I couldn’t stand him!  However, after he was there when I [insert moment of helplessness] I knew he was the one.”

So the mind game is this.  What actions can I take to make you strongly associate an emotion with me.  Of course since I’m trying to date you, the emotion I should be shooting for is love right?  Wrong.  The emotion I should be shooting for is hatred.  It is easy to be hated; much easier than it is to be loved.  And it’s much easier to go from hatred to love than it is to go from apathy to love.  People think that the opposite of love is hate, but it’s not.  Apathy is love’s polar opposite.

So ladies, be aware of the squeaky wheel mind game.  Is he acting like a jerk?  Do you constantly think about what a jerk he is?  Is he always on your mind that way?  Are you constantly thinking about him?

He’s won.

A relationship is not a project

If you are entering a relationship with another person, it’s obvious that you cannot be sure of what to expect.  Some would say that you don’t even meet the real person until six months into the relationship.  So what do you do if you find a great guy who does all the right things and says all the right stuff but turns out to freebase heroine and kill kittens?  I’ll tell you what the fuck you need to do:

Get the fuck out.

Girls you need to realize something before you go into a relationship.  As a general rule, you cannot change a person.  What that means is that if he’s fat, stupid, and lazy when you meet him – you will not make him thin, smart, and motivated.  Now that isn’t to say that people don’t make changes, of course they do.  But people change when they want to and they change how they want to.  No change that you suggest or force onto somebody will stick if they do not agree with it first.  In following the previous example, if he’s perfectly happy and content being fat, stupid, and lazy – he will remain fat, stupid, and lazy.

So do not enter any relationship where you would be unhappy if the end result was identical to the initial package.  Meaning, if you enter a relationship with someone because they have the potential of being what you want, you are stupid.  Think about it this way:  How would you feel if someone told you, “You are amazing, but  I really need someone who is anorexic.”  Would you be willing to jeopardize your health and possibly your life so that some guy will like you more?  If you are, you may need help.  If you’re more or less rational, then odds are you’ll tell that guy off.  The same thing with us men.

Look out for these kinds of thoughts:

“I love him so much, if only he didn’t…”
“I know he isn’t perfect, but maybe one day he’ll…”
“There’s always hope, it won’t always be like this…”

Those thoughts lead to one vital conclusion: My happiness is out of my control.

With literally billions of men in the world, you will be far more successful finding a circle peg for a circle hole rather than shoving a square peg into a circle hole.

 

PS: Get your mind out of the gutter. :)

Yours, mine, and ours

Healthy relationships are all about balance.  Well that’s nothing new that you haven’t heard before, but part of that balance is knowing how much time you spend with the other.  In a healthy relationship, there has to be a good balance between what is yours, what is mine, and what is ours.  There are certain things that you do without the other person, there are certain things the other person does without you, and there are certain things that you do together.  How much of each is dependent on the individual relationship, but all three must be present to some extent.

Each person has to have preferences, hobbies, and people outside of the relationship.  We all need our own things, no matter how vested into the relationship we are.  We also need the respect and trust from our significant other to let us have these things.  There has to be a hobby that brings you great satisfaction that you can do without the other person; they need a hobby that relaxes them that they can do without you.

A couple that spends too much time together loses the individuality of the people in it.  Let me give you an example based off one of my hobbies and ways of relaxing – playing video games:

Ted is an avid video gamer.  When he’s had a bad day or has some free time, he likes to play video games to unwind.  Mary, his girlfriend, is not a video gamer.  She has tried it a couple of times because she wants to take an interest in her boyfriends hobbies, but she is just not able to get into it.  Ted reassures her that it’s okay and that he doesn’t think any less of her.  Mary and Ted don’t live together, so when Ted and Mary have free time, they meet up at one of their houses.  Ted doesn’t play video games around Mary because he thinks she will find it boring.  So Mary never really sees Ted playing video games.

Over the months, Ted and Mary get into some fights and each time Ted retreats to his video games as his way of self-care.  Although the fights resolve well enough, Mary soon understands that when Ted is upset, he plays video games.  Now she has the connection in her head that video games are associated with Ted being upset.  So now when Ted is playing video games, Mary automatically assumes that Ted is upset.  She tries to talk to Ted to find out what’s wrong, which annoys him because he doesn’t want to talk when he’s trying to unwind.  Now there’s a fight over the video games and lack of communication.

Who do you think is to blame?  Is it Mary’s fault for assuming that Ted only plays video games when he’s upset?  No, that’s a natural assumption.  She could have handled it better definitely, but that’s what she learned.  The problem is that Ted did not play video games when things were going well with Mary.  He made the connection to Mary that video games are a sign of being upset.  By only going to his hobby when he was unhappy, he created a strong connection for Mary.  Had he been more consistent with playing video games when he wasn’t upset and when he was upset, Mary would be more likely to realize that there are many reasons why Ted might be playing his video games.

Learning how to hunt

Ladies,

Has this ever happened to you?  You’re all dressed up, you’re looking cute and feeling good.  You’re with your friends heading out to drink and dance, but also maybe find a guy.  You’re at the bar or the club, but nothing seems to be going your way.  No cute guys are coming up to dance with you or chat you up?  You start to think, “is it me?”  Well never fear! I have bad news, good news, and great news.

The bad news is: Yes, it is you.

The good news is: You’re an idiot.

The great news is: Being an idiot can be fixed.

There seems to be this mentality in women that the tactic to getting a cute guys attention is to travel in pack and eventually one of the “hunters” will come in to lay some smooth lines down.

News flash: This tactic works!

Notice how when you try this approach, you very often get a guy to come talk to you?  There you go, you have just succeeded in your goal to have someone approach you and try to get in your pants.  Oh, but you aren’t interested in him?  He isn’t the one that you wanted to come over?  Well how the hell was he supposed to know that and more importantly how the hell is the one that you want supposed to know that he should?

That’s the problem with playing the part of prey.  When you’re the prey, you’re the prey to every single hunter at the watering hole.  The solution is simple and obvious; be the hunter.

If you’re trying to get a guys attention, there are several fool-proof ways to do it.  Getting naked and running around screaming like a crazy person is 99% successful in getting his attention.  If that isn’t your style and you don’t want to be on Youtube the next day, you could always just walk up and talk to him.  But what will I say? What will we talk about?  I recommend starting with “Hello.”

As the hunter we’ve just gotten rid of that pesky problem of meeting someone you’re not interested in it.  We’ve taken chance and blind luck out of the equation, now what’s left is skill.  That’s the other good news, you don’t need much of it!  Unlike men trying to pick up a woman at a bar, you do not need a “line” and you do not need a “role”.  You can pretty much walk up to the guy and talk about the weather or how intuitive your cat is.  Either way, he’s either interested in you or not.  If he’s not, odds are the topic of conversation wasn’t going to improve your chances.  If he is, odds are the topic of conversation doesn’t matter to him.

If your goal is sex, well then if he continues to talk to you for more than two minutes, I’d say you succeeded.  Ask and ye shall receive.

If your goal is a date, well then pay attention to his personality and see if it’s something you’re into.

This is not The Lion King anymore, okay?  The bar isn’t the “watering hole”, men aren’t “hunters”, and women aren’t “prey”.  Well maybe the bar is still the metaphorical watering hole, but that’s beside the point.  I think it’s a pretty well established fact that girls have all the power in the dating world.  You decide whether or not he is going to have sex, not vice versa.  Get over playing the coy gazelle and just talk to him.

Worst case scenario, you’ll be right back where you started.

Knowing the difference between what she says and what she means

Fellas,

We’ve all been in this situation before: you think you’re hitting it off with a girl and everything is going great, but when you ask her out on a date you’re told that she isn’t looking for a relationship right now.  Maybe she just got over a bad breakup, maybe she’s focused on her career, maybe, maybe maybe.

At this point it is crucial to know the difference between what she is saying (the literal words) and what she means (the point).  Regardless of what she says, there are only two main points that you have to be aware of.  You’re being rejected either because of the situation or because of you personally.  If you are being rejected because of the situation, the rejection will be blamed on situation events that cannot be controlled.  For example, maybe she is moving in a few months.  If this is the case, don’t take it personally, there is little hope.

If you are being rejected personally, the rejection will be based on her feelings.  For example, if she says something along the lines of, “I’m not interested in a relationship right now” she is rejecting you personally.  Another common example is, “I’m focusing on my career/school” or “I just got out of a bad relationship.”  Notice in these rejections there is nothing physically that is stopping this relationship from forming, it’s all about feelings.  Unfortunately, it’s about her feelings towards you.

Had you been more charming, more attractive, or more what she was looking for; her career and her past would not matter.  What she actually means is, “I’m not interested in a relationship right now with you.”  Of course she is gonna leave that last part off, she’s not mean, she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings!  Maybe she doesn’t even know she’s doing it.  Ultimately though, it’s about you.

So why am I telling you all this? Trust me, it’s not to make you feel like crap.  It’s that I want you to realize that there is no such thing as a “good time” to try to get into a relationship.  If girl after girl is giving you the personal rejection (remember situational rejection cannot be controlled), then you need to adjust.  I’m sorry girls, but life would be better for all of us if you were a little more upfront about your rejection.  You’re trying to lighten the blow of rejection and as a result many guys don’t know that they can, in fact, improve.

So fellas, if you’re getting the personal rejection, I want you to take it personally and change.  Don’t worry about not getting the one that rejected you, she’s just one in a million.  Through her rejection you now know that you would never have been a priority for her. Be with someone who is going to make you a priority in their life; someone who can focus on both you and her career.

Maybe it’s time to adjust your approach, you’ll never know if you don’t try new things.  Ask a different unknown girl out on a date every week and try something new each time.  Focus on being funnier with one girl; focus on being more attentive with another girl; focus on being more aloof with the third girl.  See what gets you a better reaction.  Remember, these are just test subjects who you will not meet again.

Happy hunting!